Thursday, 9 September 2010

An end or a new beginning?

6.30am on Friday morning. Writing is such a useful tool for the overactive imagination. After seeing my ex yesterday, sleep has been somewhat elusive. I send him an email out into the ether. I saw all the emotion he kept inside and that is so hard, because I wanted it to come out in front of me. I had bought the bread, the sliced chicken and fresh milk for his coffee. I wanted to ask him in for lunch. I saw that he couldn't do it and understood. I can't go into Dorwyn right now, it would crack me wide open. Do we both perceive we have the life the other wanted? I'm aware one of my patterns is to think there's a better life, over there somewhere and I'm learning to value and be content with the one I have.

Rooting myself here and spending precious time with my son and my Mum is important right now. One will leave home soon and the other.......I have no idea of the time we have left to enjoy and we have had so many special times this year. She is still learning and growing and gives me so much support and unconditional love. Let's face it, she couldn't have a much more unconventional daughter at times!

Yes, I'm learning to love all those bits of me too. I accept the drama part of me and moderate her more when necessary. I accept I feel very deeply. I accept I need to creatively express myself. I embrace all the opportunities opening up to learn to put these facets to the best use possible. I'm becoming the student I always wanted to be. The degree is a lifelong learning one and I follow it's flow with fascination. And gratitude. I have so much and appreciate love is expressed in many ways, not just by being in a relationship with a man. In fact, that is restricting in some ways for me right now, because let's be honest, their needs often are acknowledged first in any relationship, that's the way it is. Their work, their hobbies, they will go and do anyway, leaving us to support them and tidy up after them. That's non-judgemental, just honest.

I'm learning to look after me. It's valuable work. I'm thankful to have wonderful grounded friends who are more practical than I am about certain matters. I explore by talking, thinking and taking action, I'm taking more time between some of these events. Diving off at tangents is not always productive, however tantalising they may seem, because I often have to find my way back across the rocky path to the centre. The evening out of those jagged behaviours leads to a more peaceful life for me and those around me.

I have so much gratitude to my marriage. This has been expressed. I will stay here and grow until I feel ready to venture over to Wales again and paddle my feet in the water on that very special beach. The one that embraces me, challenges me, where the winds sweeps away the debris to the very heart of my connection to the raw life force in all it's elemental glory. It's there waiting...........always.
Love Ellie x

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