It's a fact, I'm surrounded by meatball lovers. The kids came in from work yesterday, discovered there was fish for tea (yuck) and promptly went out to buy the ingredients to cook meatballs. I was treated to a dish as I was watching The Great British Bakeoff (what it is about a tough-talking silver fox that I find so attractive??) and the cat finished the rest (of the meatballs, not the silver fox).
A little earlier, the doorbell went and I recognised my lovely neighbour on the other side of the glass. In she came asking for an onion.........you've guessed it, to cook meatballs. We laughed, chatted and she went away with onions, apples and a promise of coffee to catch up on all our creative projects.
Yesterday was official *first day at work in a very long time* too. When I say work, I mean out there in a more conventional place than I'm used to. It was like going home, just with extra scary technology! The brain will soon catch up and everyone was lovely, especially the young people, who are sweet, funny and accepting. I learned such a lot and realise I have many more skills and understanding to offer now. Discovered another course I'd like to do. The abundant Universe is being very generous indeed in that department. Within a year, I will be a rag-rugging-cupcake-baking-singer-songwriting-nature-loving-meridian-tapping-poetry-writing-teaching assistant. Phew! What an interesting life.
Have a fascinating day on planet earth,
Love Ellie x
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Tucked up in bed with the laptop
I'm taking it a little easy this morning - my body grumbles with a bit of a cold and Chris Evans chunters quietly in the background, he is informative and funny most of the time. The dampness outside the window says stay put a little longer, enjoy the time to write and explore.
I dreamt of my ex last night, so clearly. He was with me, in the best way possible, holding me and saying all the things I've longed for over the last twenty one months. The beauty of it happening this way, is that I don't actually have to go back there and attempt the untangling I tried to achieve for so long, it's a natural part of the ending and I accept it as such. I wonder what the rules of contact are after the divorce becomes final, and realise I'm free to make my own decisions. There are no rules, only the ones that feel right for me. If I wish to send an occasional email to say Hi, how are you? it's ok. Whether he replies or not is up to him. I'm free to express myself, free to fly, free to be me.
Inside I buzz with excitement at all the possibilities of the new life I'm exploring. The writing, singing, work, college, social life, the list grows and goes on and on.... Time now to do a little work, in the comfort of my snuggly white quilt, low-flying pigeons scooting outside the window and the leaves turning slowly gold for autumn. I listen to soulful lyrics on the radio and think I've moved on quite a lot - the singer says he's chasing rainbows all the time, but aren't we all? It's an essential part of being human.
May all your rainbows be golden today,
With love, Ellie xx
I dreamt of my ex last night, so clearly. He was with me, in the best way possible, holding me and saying all the things I've longed for over the last twenty one months. The beauty of it happening this way, is that I don't actually have to go back there and attempt the untangling I tried to achieve for so long, it's a natural part of the ending and I accept it as such. I wonder what the rules of contact are after the divorce becomes final, and realise I'm free to make my own decisions. There are no rules, only the ones that feel right for me. If I wish to send an occasional email to say Hi, how are you? it's ok. Whether he replies or not is up to him. I'm free to express myself, free to fly, free to be me.
Inside I buzz with excitement at all the possibilities of the new life I'm exploring. The writing, singing, work, college, social life, the list grows and goes on and on.... Time now to do a little work, in the comfort of my snuggly white quilt, low-flying pigeons scooting outside the window and the leaves turning slowly gold for autumn. I listen to soulful lyrics on the radio and think I've moved on quite a lot - the singer says he's chasing rainbows all the time, but aren't we all? It's an essential part of being human.
May all your rainbows be golden today,
With love, Ellie xx
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Stats and Vows
Aren't brains wonderful things?? Complex computers with multi-tasking capabilities. I'm watching bits of mine as it jumps from one thread to another - the bags under my eye, where the strange ice-cream-van alarm sounding at 8am came from, really ought to get up and move about, wanting to talk to a friend, going for a walk this morning, must ring mum, time for breakfast *gurgles* and the biggest vow I'm breaking (though not really). And all that in the same few seconds! No wonder you're a crazy mixed up kid *laughing*.
It was so good to be back at writing class yesterday. Warm, lovely people, Jayne's excitement, listening, sharing, inspiring. I was tired when I got back and after a rest, collected and delivered books to a very busy cafe. It was then the vow breaking bit hit me. It was huge and all-encompassing, though not of me, if that makes any sense, I could feel it's vastness around me. There's work to be done here, I'm not breaking my vow, in the sense that love continues, certain and unseparated. The best way to describe it right now is that those eight or so skittles out of ten that are standing tall again, about three of them have wobbled and lie in a heap on top of one another. The button has been pushed to ask them to stand tall again, and they struggle and ease themselves back into alignment. It still takes my breath away, the power of the feeling. Healing takes time and courage.
Courage this morning not to duck back under the duvet (I do have a pile of very good books :-) but rather to stretch, sing and dance as breakfast arrives in the bowl by the magic of Oatibix, nuts, seeds, fruit and probiotic yoghurt. (healthy after eating egg and chips last night!) and thinking of all the lovely supportive, clever, vibrant people around me who are part of my world.
My wishes for the weekend are to get online and do the exercises there that help, for Lewis or Jensen to win the Grand Prix, for my lovely family to keep on being happy and creative, to walk with friends through the trees and to find peace with the threads of an unbroken vow.
The stats say that people in Alaska and the USA have looked at my blog. Incredible! I'd love to cruise up to Alaska, watching the water for whales and ice.
Enjoy the weekend,
Ellie xx
It was so good to be back at writing class yesterday. Warm, lovely people, Jayne's excitement, listening, sharing, inspiring. I was tired when I got back and after a rest, collected and delivered books to a very busy cafe. It was then the vow breaking bit hit me. It was huge and all-encompassing, though not of me, if that makes any sense, I could feel it's vastness around me. There's work to be done here, I'm not breaking my vow, in the sense that love continues, certain and unseparated. The best way to describe it right now is that those eight or so skittles out of ten that are standing tall again, about three of them have wobbled and lie in a heap on top of one another. The button has been pushed to ask them to stand tall again, and they struggle and ease themselves back into alignment. It still takes my breath away, the power of the feeling. Healing takes time and courage.
Courage this morning not to duck back under the duvet (I do have a pile of very good books :-) but rather to stretch, sing and dance as breakfast arrives in the bowl by the magic of Oatibix, nuts, seeds, fruit and probiotic yoghurt. (healthy after eating egg and chips last night!) and thinking of all the lovely supportive, clever, vibrant people around me who are part of my world.
My wishes for the weekend are to get online and do the exercises there that help, for Lewis or Jensen to win the Grand Prix, for my lovely family to keep on being happy and creative, to walk with friends through the trees and to find peace with the threads of an unbroken vow.
The stats say that people in Alaska and the USA have looked at my blog. Incredible! I'd love to cruise up to Alaska, watching the water for whales and ice.
Enjoy the weekend,
Ellie xx
Thursday, 9 September 2010
An end or a new beginning?
6.30am on Friday morning. Writing is such a useful tool for the overactive imagination. After seeing my ex yesterday, sleep has been somewhat elusive. I send him an email out into the ether. I saw all the emotion he kept inside and that is so hard, because I wanted it to come out in front of me. I had bought the bread, the sliced chicken and fresh milk for his coffee. I wanted to ask him in for lunch. I saw that he couldn't do it and understood. I can't go into Dorwyn right now, it would crack me wide open. Do we both perceive we have the life the other wanted? I'm aware one of my patterns is to think there's a better life, over there somewhere and I'm learning to value and be content with the one I have.
Rooting myself here and spending precious time with my son and my Mum is important right now. One will leave home soon and the other.......I have no idea of the time we have left to enjoy and we have had so many special times this year. She is still learning and growing and gives me so much support and unconditional love. Let's face it, she couldn't have a much more unconventional daughter at times!
Yes, I'm learning to love all those bits of me too. I accept the drama part of me and moderate her more when necessary. I accept I feel very deeply. I accept I need to creatively express myself. I embrace all the opportunities opening up to learn to put these facets to the best use possible. I'm becoming the student I always wanted to be. The degree is a lifelong learning one and I follow it's flow with fascination. And gratitude. I have so much and appreciate love is expressed in many ways, not just by being in a relationship with a man. In fact, that is restricting in some ways for me right now, because let's be honest, their needs often are acknowledged first in any relationship, that's the way it is. Their work, their hobbies, they will go and do anyway, leaving us to support them and tidy up after them. That's non-judgemental, just honest.
I'm learning to look after me. It's valuable work. I'm thankful to have wonderful grounded friends who are more practical than I am about certain matters. I explore by talking, thinking and taking action, I'm taking more time between some of these events. Diving off at tangents is not always productive, however tantalising they may seem, because I often have to find my way back across the rocky path to the centre. The evening out of those jagged behaviours leads to a more peaceful life for me and those around me.
I have so much gratitude to my marriage. This has been expressed. I will stay here and grow until I feel ready to venture over to Wales again and paddle my feet in the water on that very special beach. The one that embraces me, challenges me, where the winds sweeps away the debris to the very heart of my connection to the raw life force in all it's elemental glory. It's there waiting...........always.
Love Ellie x
Rooting myself here and spending precious time with my son and my Mum is important right now. One will leave home soon and the other.......I have no idea of the time we have left to enjoy and we have had so many special times this year. She is still learning and growing and gives me so much support and unconditional love. Let's face it, she couldn't have a much more unconventional daughter at times!
Yes, I'm learning to love all those bits of me too. I accept the drama part of me and moderate her more when necessary. I accept I feel very deeply. I accept I need to creatively express myself. I embrace all the opportunities opening up to learn to put these facets to the best use possible. I'm becoming the student I always wanted to be. The degree is a lifelong learning one and I follow it's flow with fascination. And gratitude. I have so much and appreciate love is expressed in many ways, not just by being in a relationship with a man. In fact, that is restricting in some ways for me right now, because let's be honest, their needs often are acknowledged first in any relationship, that's the way it is. Their work, their hobbies, they will go and do anyway, leaving us to support them and tidy up after them. That's non-judgemental, just honest.
I'm learning to look after me. It's valuable work. I'm thankful to have wonderful grounded friends who are more practical than I am about certain matters. I explore by talking, thinking and taking action, I'm taking more time between some of these events. Diving off at tangents is not always productive, however tantalising they may seem, because I often have to find my way back across the rocky path to the centre. The evening out of those jagged behaviours leads to a more peaceful life for me and those around me.
I have so much gratitude to my marriage. This has been expressed. I will stay here and grow until I feel ready to venture over to Wales again and paddle my feet in the water on that very special beach. The one that embraces me, challenges me, where the winds sweeps away the debris to the very heart of my connection to the raw life force in all it's elemental glory. It's there waiting...........always.
Love Ellie x
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